April 14-16, 2006 Day 106-109 'Just Add Water': Baptismal Blowout SPECIAL EDITION

Hello readers. Welcome to this SPECIAL EDITION of The Swaddle Report, titled, "Just Add Water," the story of my baptismal weekend, or blowout if you will.

As you may have already noticed, I have a new chair. It's very comfortable, and before I continue with this post, I would like you to get comfortable. Sit back. Relax. Grab a bottle of milk, or soy if you prefer, take a deep breath and join me on my journey...

DAY ONE: Welcome Home Aunties
The weekend started with the aunties returning home on Friday -- Auntie MD (no, she's not a doctor), and Auntie HB (no, she's not a horticultural biologist).

Momma CJ and I went to pick up Aunt MD from the airport and I tried to help her with her bags, but remembered I can't get out of my carseat on my own, and the heaviest thing I've lifted to date is a stuffed dog. But I could tell Aunt MD appreciated the offer. Aunt MD came over our condo and we chilled for a while before going over to Grandma and Grandpa D's house.

As you can see, Aunt MD, a.k.a. The Godmother, and Grandma D gave me a dry run (no water) of what I would be going through at my baptism on Saturday night.

When I returned home, I walked up the steps (actually, I was carried) to see Auntie HB and Grandma B sitting on the porch outside our condo building. When we got inside, Daddy B ordered some Greek food and we later sat down to eat. I didn't eat Greek food. I ate soy milk, but I pretended like my soy milk was a plate of warm spanakopita. Auntie HB and Grandma B then helped put me to bed to prepare for my big day. I must admit I was a little nervous, and had some trouble falling asleep. But I was able to dose off by counting Greek sheep.

DAY TWO: The Pressure Is On

According to "My Baby's First Dictionary," the word baptism is defined as:
1. A religious sacrament marked by the symbolic use of water and resulting in admission of the recipient into the community of Christians.
2. A ceremony, trial, or experience by which one is initiated, purified, or given a name.

After reading this definition, I realized that this was a big deal, and that I should probably take a bath.

After having Daddy B scrub me down and apply the appropriate product to my hair, the nerves started to go away, and I started to get pumped up about my pending purification.

Auntie HB and Grandma B came over and I put my game face on as we all pitched in to help clean the condo for Part I of the blowout.

I acted as supervisor, sitting in my swing, pointing out fur balls that Daddy B missed with the swiffer, or cobwebs in the corners that Momma CJ overlooked. I also let out my patented chicken call whenever they would get too busy, and stop paying attention to me. This is my day people. Hello?

And just as we made the finishing touches, in came The Godfather -- who I'll refer to as Godfather B -- and his partner, A, who I'll refer to as GPA (which stands for Godfather's Partner A... is this all making sense? If not, refer to the book, "My First Guide to Baby Blog Acronyms").

Godfather B and I got to spend some QT (see Acronym book) together before the crowds started to arrive.

OK. I have to admit, I wasn't completely cool the whole day through. At one point during Part I of the Baptismal Blowout, I started having a little bit of preshow jitters, and with the large group of people in my condo, I had a small screaming fit.

But it didn't last long, and I was able to recoup just in time for the big ceremony, which featured a fire, a walk in the dark, some singing, some sea monkeys, and then, finally, the big splash.

And wouldn't you know, at the end of the night, when the minister welcomed me and four other babies into the community with some water over the forehead, who was the only child that didn't shed a tear? It was me. But I'm not saying that I'm better than any of those babies -- although Grandma D may disagree -- I'm just saying I know how to come through in the clutch. I'm a true performer. Put me in front of a crowd and I shine like a ... like a ... let's just say I'm very shiny.

DAY THREE: Another Blowout, This Time With Eggs

Part II of the Baptismal Blowout featured an egg hunt, hosted by yours truly. Included in each egg were some delightful candies, possibly a lottery card or gift certificate to a certain coffee chain, and my patented HEY YOU sayings.

Everyone came out a winner in my egg hunt, including me. I was rewarded with a bottle of soy, and while I was eating it, I imagined that it tasted like a solid chocolate bunny.

Grandma D put together a fabulous spread for the masses of people who showed up to get a glimpse, and a hug if they were lucky, of the boy who some are now referring to as God's favorite.

All in all it was a successful and memorable weekend. And I'd like to personally thank those who pitched in for the blowouts, and those who took the time out to attend. Lastly, I'd like to thank you, my readers, for joining me on this journey through this important moment in babyhood.

I now ask that you join me in a cup of tea, as I drink from my new silver Tiffany cup and celebrate this time we've spent together. Cheers.


April 9, 2006 Day 101: Blue Man Group Jr. Auditions

So, I'm thinking about trying out for Blue Man Group Jr., but I'm a little hesitant because it's such a big commitment -- the body paint, the rehearsals, switching to blue-colored food to be consistent with the character. It's a lot of work.

Momma CJ and I talked about it, and we agreed that we're going to take this in baby steps. We've started with painting the feet blue and banging on some pots and pans with a wooden spoon.

Next week, we'll try painting legs and arms before moving on to the face. If I decide the Blue Men are not my thing, I might try out for "Smurfs on Ice," which is going on tour next winter. Hopefully I can learn to skate by then.

April 8, 2006 Day 100: Little Big Man

It's been a while since I've written to you, the fans of Swaddle Report, so let me update you on what's going on in my life.

As this picture shows, I am now a 12-year-old boy. I skipped all those boring toddler years, wasting time learning to walk and talk, and went straight to pre-puberty.

I will soon be dating girls, talking back to my parents and preparing for my SATs.